My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
did i walk over a car last night?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Drake has all the answers
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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