so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
