i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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