i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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