Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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