I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
