We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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