ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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