the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
