Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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