Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
