You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
