apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize