ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
