I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize