Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
