The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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