bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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