i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
