I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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