He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
