it's too hot outside to masturbate.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
