I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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