I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
