I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
