I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize