Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
