I want to walk on stilts...naked
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
