dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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