last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you win again, gameday.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
