he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
