i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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