i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
