i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
