Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
