all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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