I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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