I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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