My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
