I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
