I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
