Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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