Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
