Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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