A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
