I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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