i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
