Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
