I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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