No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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