I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize