New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
