Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
