You can't motorboat a personality
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize