Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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