bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize