3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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