I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
