So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
