either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
